Monday found me, for the second time, standing in a bathroom stall at the courthouse using my hand pump to pump 5 ounces. Then I remembered that I had cleverly loaded a bottle onto the hand pump, and I had then left the cap in the car. Even with an oversupply and a decent freezer stash, I didn’t want to just pour those 5 ounces down the drain. I felt so angry with myself, and so frustrated. I had planned ahead, and all for naught! I wound up just leaving the cap part of the hand pump on and putting the bottle upright in my bag. When I took it out later, I only had two ounces left.
Let me lay out a typical court day. Court is an hour away and starts at 8:45 or 9am. Most hearings take a minimum of 1-2 hours. I usually pump around 8 or 9 am after I get to work and again 3 hours later. Traffic varies by day and weather. So here is probably the ideal plan:
-5:30 or 6:00 – wake up, get ready for work
-6:30 or earlier – feed the baby when she wakes up
-6:45-7:00 – leave for work, drive to my office or directly to the courthouse, if traffic is too bad to stop off at my office, drive to court and pump in my car.
-8:00 – stop at office, get whatever files I forgot, pump
-8:35 – pull into parking lot, pay for parking, go to court
-11:00/12:00 – hearing ends or breaks, go back to car and pump or drive back to work and pump.
The courthouse actually has a tiny office that I can get a key to, but I don’t have one yet. So I’ve been doing an uncomfortable combo of bathroom pumping and pumping while driving back to my office. The parking lot is a 10 minute walk from the courthouse, and today it was freezing raining. So pumping in the bathroom was actually preferable to going back to my car and pumping and then going back into the courthouse. But as I lugged all my stuff up the hill to my car to feed my meter and set my bottle of milk in the car and realized that half of it had leaked into my purse, I started wondering whether breastfeeding is really worth it when it is making my life this difficult.
There are women who just nurse at night and on the weekends and formula feed at daycare. Nursing, and breastfeeding, remains really important to me. Our kiddo has a hard enough time taking a bottle, I think feeding her formula would actually really upset her. So, continuing to pump it is. I just don’t know how to make this work. Of my coworkers, one exclusively pumped, and the others were in court less and have less of a commute. (Exclusively pumping would be easier because I could pump in the morning instead of depending on the baby’s timing.)
I spent some time looking at the Freemies system, because the idea of wearing something that I could wear under my clothes and discretely pump in court is pretty appealing. However, based on this review, they don’t look that discreet. I will be getting a key to the closet my organization has at the courthouse, and I will be working really hard to be more organized so that I do not have to stop at my office before court. The end result of this, for now at least, is that I will have to get ready to leave a full hour before I actually leave the building. I will make sure I have everything for court the next day, if I’m going straight to court, and then I will pump and clean my pump parts, and then I will make whatever final notes I have to make, update whatever to-do lists I have to update, make sure I sign out on the office clipboard, and then head home with all my files and documents for court. I will also have to use the same rule I use with the baby for everything else in my life – assume it takes another half hour to get anywhere. If I have an extra half hour when I get to the courthouse, I have time to pump and make sure I have everything for my case. I have time to talk to the clerk about the docket and maybe let her know that I’m breastfeeding and if I’m not in the courtroom around noon if they call my case then, it’s because I’m pumping and can they pass the case until I come back?
I have never been an organized person, but as my last therapist used to remind me, if you do not practice a skill, you do not get better. So I’m going to practice being organized and put together, and see where that takes me. Every month, I tell myself, “at least I’ve made it this far.” Then I ask myself if I think I can do another month. Which feels manageable. And so, we go, onward.