Anxious.

I wake up these days and I’m consumed by anxiety.  Whatifwhatifwhatif I never get a job; never make any money; never feel like I’m doing something productive for society that also makes me happy and pays my bills.  What if we are always so strapped for cash that we can’t run the air-conditioner in the summertime?  (It’s 85 in here, with the AC running.)

The What Ifs continue prancing through my head. What if I make the wrong choices?  What if I’ve already made the wrong choices?  What if I never ever get a phone call offering me a job?  Like those people that never get married, but instead of never getting a proposal, I never get hired.

It is very difficult in this economy to remind yourself that you are a person worthy of success.  That even in this economy, you are valuable.  That even if nobody will pay you, you are valuable.  That you are doing more today for your career by leaving the house and practicing law than other people who do not do that.  That it’s only been a month (but then I get into omigodit’sbeenamonth!)

It’s hard, because it’s been a year since we graduated and I feel like I’m the only one whose still unemployed.  Sure, some people are doing non-lawyer jobs – but I’ve applied to non-lawyer jobs!  Yet still, nothing.  And suddenly, this new crop of law clerks is about to be on the market, and they’ll have a year of great experience that will make them more desirable than I am.  I get anxious sometimes because I’m convinced if I don’t find a job by August, I won’t find a job.  I get anxious because I can’t imagine getting to December and not having a job, but I know that it is possible, because I did not think I would get to June and not have a job.

I apply further and further out, both out of my intended practice area and out of my geographical region or comfort zone.  I check my phone compulsively to see if anyone has called.  I can’t seem to get a grip and formulate a plan for my own success.  I need to be sitting down and making a list of people I can contact to see if they know anyone who would hire me.  I need to be putting myself out there.  I need to be networking.  I need to update my allies and references on my status change, to see if they have heard about anything, but for some of that I have been too proud, and for some of it, I have been too anxious.  I feel like I can’t network properly, so why bother trying?  I know that this is the wrong attitude to have, but at the same time, if my putting myself out there and acting awkward and loud and generally like myself is harming me, then maybe hiding at home is okay.

Hope seems to have fled the nest these days and that’s the really hard part.  Because I do believe in having a positive outlook and knowing that if I work hard, good things will come to us.  Some days though, it’s just easier to wallow.

Advertisements

7 Comments

Filed under Job Search, Unemployed

7 responses to “Anxious.

  1. I wish I had good, smart, encouraging words — but all I can say is that I’m right there with you. I’m not unemployed, but I am job-hunting and feeling kind of hopeless about the prospect of finding anything. To make matters worse, the academic job market won’t rev up into full gear until the fall, so for an entire summer I have nothing to do but sit and fret. (And work on my book. But that feels so, so pointless in light of the incredibly bleak market.)

  2. I feel your pain! You will find a job! You have spent at least eight years of your life in pursuit of this goal and one month in the grand scheme of time invested is peanuts. You are smart and employers will see that too!

    I have wanted to puke since I quit my job and boyfriend doesn’t seem to understand why I am freaking out! Ha!

  3. I’m feeling the anxiety too. My husband is recently unemployed. Company shut down, just like that. We’re no where near a year (going on month 4) but it is terribly nerve-wracking. Life is like a ticking clock for me most days and oh how I would love to shut up that ticking clock in my head. Each Friday marks another week without a new job and one week closer to our savings running out.

    It’s SCARY. We should consider ourselves blessed in so many ways because I have a decent paying job and we do have money put away and things could be so much worse… but there is always that dreadful fear that things WILL get so much worse. That the money we have worked hard to save will go away and the debt we have paid off will all return and we will end up like others in really bad places and yeah, there’s that anxiety again.

    I’m trying really hard to be supportive of my husband, not micro-manage his job search and not be a total spaz as another week passes, but it is tough.

    • vadoporroesq

      My husband has been infinitely supportive and I swear, it’s the only thing keeping me going, so good call on not micromanaging the search. I’d say just do your best to be supportive, and if another two months go by, talk to him about finding something interim or something.

  4. I don’t know what to say except that I feel like I could’ve written a lot of this. A lot. There’s a nagging worry at the back of my mind that wonders… what if I never get a job? Friends kind of laugh awkwardly and say, “oh, that won’t happen” when I confess this fear… but I want to know: how do they know this? I suppose it doesn’t help that I’m still sticking to arts and education jobs, vs. branching out to Target, Home Depot, etc. I know it’s a luxury that I don’t *have* to do that immediately… and I guess I’m just hoping something closer to ideal will come along (and pick me!) before then. But maybe that’s naive or overly optimistic?

    “What if we are always so strapped for cash that we can’t run the air-conditioner in the summertime?”

    It’s 95 here and we’ve yet to turn our AC on. I’m already worrying about how much the electricity bill will go up, due to constantly running fans. 😛

    And don’t even get me started on networking… I once felt pretty confident that I was good at that, but now I feel extremely intimidated. I’m also concerned about volunteering for fear that it won’t lead to something (yeah, such a pessimist, I know) but will cost a lot in gas money, etc. I just feel so STUCK!!

  5. I’m living the same life along with all the other people who have commented. You just have to get up and remind yourself a little more often than you used to about how important you are. What a good employee you are. You’ll get that job to move on and hopefully we all will. Maybe we all will be better for it, learned a few more life lessons and be as happy as ever.

  6. I can only imagine how dehumanizing it must feel to be rejected time and time again, and you are seriously not a weak person for wanting to fold up the search. It must be tiring to continually hunt, and I feel so much for you.

    But I want to say that you definitely are valuable as a worker, even if those companies haven’t realized it yet. You are smart and driven and something will eventually happen for you. I’m keeping my hope alive for you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s